From the Desk of Tod Lancorn

First of all, I want to say a hearty thank you and congratulations for continuing to make this company the number one source for hot dog and hamburger buns in the Northeastern United States. As we continue to expand our operations, both physically and in terms of bun types, you remain a vital component to the production and marketing of our delicious bread product. People don’t often think of the people behind their buns as they enjoy a meaty brat or double-stacked cheeseburger, but rest assured that your silent influence is being felt in the stomachs of a few million people scattered across a narrow geographic region. Way to go, everyone!

It’s come to my attention that we’re experiencing what has been described as a “severe” lack of parties in the workplace, which is something that I feel needs to be rectified as soon as possible. After all, parties provide a huge chunk of our business, so it doesn’t make sense for us to not enjoy the very thing that we promote. Therefore, I am announcing a new company policy which will require all Bunnery corporate and retail branches to stage a minimum of two parties every week. These parties can take whatever form your employees choose: birthday parties, holiday-themed parties, spontaneous weekday celebration parties, even living funeral parties, if you have someone willing to put themselves out there like that. Personally, I’ve always felt that funerals are the next frontier of bun consumption, so I wouldn’t mind seeing some practical examples from our more creative staffers on how to make this sparkle. Offhand, I picture a coffin shaped like a bun, so it’s like the dead person is a giant hot dog, and instead of being just dead, they also make people crave hot dogs and, in turn, Bunnery bun products. You can use that or not, that’s your call.

As per this new company policy, all branches will be required to keep track of their Party Points from week to week. You are awarded one Party Point per party you have. For example, if you had one party, that would equal one Party Point. If, though, you had two parties, that would be equal to two total Party Points. You’ll keep track of your Party Points on a giant thermometer poster, which will be sent to your branches in the next week. At the end of the work week, please submit a jpog photo of your giant thermometer with a funny caption that also indicates how many Party Points you have accumulated. You will receive no special rewards or accolades for exceeding the two party minimum, but if I see giant thermometers coming in with less than two Party Points per week (remember, that’s equal to two parties), I’ll be forced to deduct an additional three Party Points from your giant thermometer. This will create an endless cycle wherein you will never have enough Party Points to satisfy the quota and could, quite possibly, crash the system altogether. Just have the right number of parties each week and we won’t have to find out.

I’ll check back with you all next week after I receive the first set of giant thermometer photos to see how your parties are coming along. I expect a lot of short paragraph summaries of how well these parties are going to be flooding my inbox in the coming days, and I hope you all are as excited about this new mandate as I am in sending it to you via e-mail.

Yours with employer-appropriate levels of affection and regard,

Tod Lancorn
CEO – Bunnery Buns Inc.