Shawn Bowers: The Website

The hat had been stewing in the hat bath for at least an hour, which was a preposterous amount of time for a hat to bathe, let alone a top hat, which the hat bath box explicitly states should only be left in the bath for twenty to twenty two minutes for ideal brim firmness.

That the hat had been left with such literal abandon was unsurprising, as Matt often left objects unattended in their respective baths to prune, which had thus far ruined all of his living room furniture and a good portion of his slack collection. The slack bath broke down from overheating before he could finish the damage.

At hour two, the top hat began showing symptoms of shrivel.

At hour three, the hat had absorbed most of the water from the hat bath, leaving the crumpled corpse of the once illustrious chapeau a soggy mess that not even a hobo would salvage.

At hour seven, Matt returned from his frisbee golf tournament to find his raisin of a top hat, not so much bathed as manslaughtered through negligence. He skimmed the hat bath and the hat bath box, unsure as he always was with the baths as to where it all had gone awry.

Defeated, he dropped his frisbee in the disc bath and took a seven hour nap.