Dear Mr. Bowers,
It was good seeing you the other day. Obviously, as a doctor, I prefer NOT to see people, because it usually means there’s something wrong with them. But you told a series of very funny jokes and I think Nurse Carol may have developed a slight crush on you. This is something the two of you can hash out on your own. I know you’re married, of course, but she’s normally very discrete. Just as a note.
I’ve never been one for delivering bad news (did I reveal too much there?), so I figured I should just come out and tell you this. I was going to call you into the office, but you seem like a pretty busy person, what with your pet photography business and all. So a very personal, handwritten note seemed like the next best thing. Your test results came back positive for a rare viral infection called Canicular Ensephalitis. There’s a good chance you’ll be dead within a month, give or take a month. Really, you could be dead by the end of the day, depending on how long it takes for this letter to reach you, which is affected by how quickly I remember to get it to the post office and then all of the usual weather restrictions, shipping conditions, etc. This whole medicine game is really a bit of a crap shoot, though.
The important thing to remember is that you’ve lived a semi-long and healthy life. Up until now. Because now…y’know…the whole Canicular thingie.
I also feel I should be honest about something else that may or may not affect the situation. I don’t have a medical degree. Dr. Miller took the day off to golf and I got called in to sub. As a substitute doctor, I was only required to have a valid high school diploma, so I’m sort of working off of old knowledge here. Having said that, I have no idea whether I’m reading this chart right or if you aren’t going to die or if you’re even really sick! You might be fine. I don’t want to get those hopes up too high, but you might be fine. That whole thing before, about the viral infection…I just sort of cracked open a dictionary and found some medical sounding words. To be completely honest, I was THIS close to telling you you had a yeast infection and sending you on your way, but I figured I’d better overshoot than under. You understand. I can practically feel your understanding as you read this.
My recommendation, as a substitute medical professional, would be to work under the assumption that you’re dying, and if, after a month, nothing has happened…call it fine. Of course, you could try visiting another doctor and receiving what we in the industry call a “second opinion,” but second opinions are rarely different than their predecessors and I have it on good information that the majority of local doctors are at a month long golf convention in Pensacola. Obviously, when they get back, you’re more than welcome to do what you need to do, but by that point…well…you could be dead. Not to rub it in. I feel like I’m beating a dead horse here or…oh. Ignore that last turn of phrase.
Anyway, it was great seeing you the other day, and if you have any questions, I will be happy to answer them to the best of my current ability. Unless the question is “what’s wrong with me,” “am I dying” or really anything medical. But things like Nurse Carol’s phone number, I can more than provide. She’s sort of anxious for something, if that helps. I don’t know if that helps.
Be sure to stay in touch, and if I don’t see you…whoops! Super sorry!
Your doctor (ha ha),
Reginald “Dr. Miller” Stanton
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